1. I used to work in labor and delivery. One of the very experienced nurses had to talk people out of naming their child Vagina… and explain why they were hearing that word they liked so much.
2. Not a midwife but lived with a student midwife when I was a student. The first set of twins she delivered got called “Red” and “Blue.”
3. I had a coworker named Trina. When she was pregnant, she told me that she and her husband had decided to name the baby Latrine. I had to explain to her that she was naming her poor baby after the hole in the ground that soldiers shit into. She was horrified and changed it to Katrina. Two days after the kid was born, Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans.
4. Boss’s friend named their kid Monster Galileo. Nurse tried to talk them out of it. Called in child services to talk them out of it. They insisted. Kid goes by Galileo. Honestly, I kind of like the sound of it for an adult or a performer’s name but guh, being a kid named ‘monster’ has to be rough in school.
5. My boyfriend’s grandmother wanted to name her daughter Sunshine. The midwife said that wasn’t allowed because “it wasn’t a real name” and his grandmother had no other backup baby names. So, a few minutes later when she heard someone down the hall screaming “Tina”, she named her daughter Tina because she couldn’t think of anything else on the spot.
6. My boyfriend was nearly called Eggbert… But predominantly Egg for short. Glad they decided against it!
7. My classmate’s mother was a maternity nurse and she has a couple who wanted to name their son “Collin” but wanted to give him a “unique” spelling for it. (I do not understand why parents do this. It doesn’t make a boring name more interesting. All it does is set your child up for lifelong inconvenience.) They spelled it out for her to put on the birth certificate C-O-L-O-N. They tried to name their son Colon. As in, the organ attached to your anus. When my classmate’s mother explained this to them they were painfully embarrassed and asked her to write it down with the normal spelling instead. I don’t think they’ll ever live it down.
8. Before I was born, my dad wanted to name me Sky… But he thought that replacing the y with an i would be cute. Thank god my mom isn’t stupid or I may have been named Ski.
9. Not a nurse, but as a med student a patient wanted to name her child Mudpiles. The nurses silently protested and waited a few days. Mom changed her mind.
10. I tried to tell someone not to name their kid Tarmac. They learned the word from NASCAR.
11. My ex-husband didn’t think it was fair that girls could be names “Grace” or “Hope” etc and seriously suggested, “Pestilence” “War” or “Plague” for a boy. His choice for a girl was “Tangerine”. Fortunately, we never had any children.
12. My uncle wanted to name his daughter Raider God. I’m glad they settled on Jada.
13. I once had a student named Linoleum. Some midwife dropped the ball on that one.
14. My brother wanted to name our soon-to-be younger brother Corn Peas and our parents almost went with it because they felt bad about asking for his input and then rejecting it. Fortunately, they got over that and passed on the name.
15. My dad loves Stevie Nicks and wanted to name all of us Rhiannon but my mom wouldn’t let him. So my oldest sister’s name ended up being Stevie Nicole but now people always assume she’s a guy when they see the name Stevie.
16. I have a false leg. My parents had to be talked out of calling me ‘Peggy’ by the midwife.
17. I was originally supposed to be Lex like Lex Luther. My dad talked my mom into naming me Alexander with my nickname as Lex but they just called me Alex.
18. Working as an ERT on overnights, I got called to OB to help out a lot. One name will always stick with me because of how unfortunate it is for the kid and how ridiculous it all is. The mom was deep in meth and other substance abuse and she told us she wanted him named Zion. We were like oh cool no problem so we asked her to fill out the paperwork for everything for us to submit and put in the chart and she wrote down Vzyiion. She looked us dead in the eyes and said, the V is silent.
19. My brother talked my mother out of naming me Mulan, because he had a major crush on her and didn’t think a “sack of potatoes” deserved to be given her name.
20. I wanted to name my daughter “Daisy”, it’s always been my favorite. Even my husband loved the idea. My whole family said it was a dog’s name and they wouldn’t let it go so I didn’t name her Daisy.
21. As a Family Medicine Resident, I personally delivered two different girls named Khaleesi. This was around 2016, well before season 8. I imagine there might be some buyer’s remorse on the parents part at this point.
22. My co-worker went to school with a girl named Fallopia. I feel sorry for her especially when she takes biology classes and they talk about Fallopian tubes.
23. My dad wanted to name me Snövit, the Swedish name for Snow White, but in the end, my parents named me something else. Had my younger brother been a girl he’d been named Törnrosa, meaning Thorn Rose and is the Swedish name on Sleeping Beauty. Never did get to the bottom of what my dad’s obsession with princesses was all about.
24. I currently work with someone whose first name is “Imunique”. I don’t think any midwives or nurses were involved with the naming.
25. My mom wanted to name me Kirby. After her vacuum. Thankfully my dad talked her out of it.
26. My piece of shit narcissistic father wanted to name me Phoenix. You know, because I was a new version of him rising from the ashes of his balls or something, I don’t know. Thank god my mom veto-d it and I ended up with a pretty normal name.
27. My kids have a friend in their class called Famous (male).
28. I once met a dude named Lovey. It was a family name. I think it was especially cute because he was such a big tough guy.
29. I was almost named Cinderall I have no idea what my dad was smoking at the time.
30. In France there used to be a list of names you had to choose from (mostly based on that day’s name saint and 3-4 others). Which is why there were so many Jean / Marc / Louis /Phillipe / Marie / Anne / Valerie, etc in France.
Now it’s a free choice…. but anyone can ask a judge to cancel a name-choice and force the parent(s) to suggest one the judge finds acceptable. So no names like Coca-Cola, Xerox, Cocaine, Anal, Nutella, Sex Fruit, Devil, Blue Murder… PLUS the rejected name gets added to a “banned” list to streamline the rejection in the future.